How to Make a Woman Happy
It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynaecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked
2. Bring food
Thursday, December 21, 2006
Good theory over the dinner
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there? The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, let me give you an analogy; there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" "Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, "So..Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, let me give you an analogy. A man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties! , it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" "Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."
This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, "So..Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, let me give you an analogy. A man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties! , it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" "Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."
CARROTS, EGGS AND COFFEE BEANS
A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling.
Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans.
She let them sit and boil without saying a word. In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl.
Turning to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me, what do you see?" "Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied.
She brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft and mushy. She then asked her to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hardened egg. Finally, she asked her to sip the coffee.
The daughter smiled as she tasted its deep flavour and inhaled its rich aroma. The daughter then asked, "What's the point, mother?"
Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity - boiling water - but each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin, outer shell had protected its liquid interior. But, after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened.
The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water they had changed the water.
"Which are you?" she asked her daughter. "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean?"
Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong? But with pain and adversity, do I wilt and lose my strength? Am I the egg that starts with a fluid spirit but, after death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and a hardened heart?
Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water - the very circumstance that brings the adversity, the pain, the hardship into something quite wonderful. When the water gets hot, it releases it's fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better, and change the situation around you for the better.
When the hours are the darkest and trials are their greatest do you elevate to another level? How do you handle adversity?
ARE YOU A CARROT, AN EGG, OR A COFFEE BEAN?
(Somehow, wake up and smell the coffee takes on a whole new meaning)
Author Unknown
Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans.
She let them sit and boil without saying a word. In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl.
Turning to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me, what do you see?" "Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied.
She brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft and mushy. She then asked her to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hardened egg. Finally, she asked her to sip the coffee.
The daughter smiled as she tasted its deep flavour and inhaled its rich aroma. The daughter then asked, "What's the point, mother?"
Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity - boiling water - but each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin, outer shell had protected its liquid interior. But, after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened.
The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water they had changed the water.
"Which are you?" she asked her daughter. "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean?"
Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong? But with pain and adversity, do I wilt and lose my strength? Am I the egg that starts with a fluid spirit but, after death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and a hardened heart?
Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water - the very circumstance that brings the adversity, the pain, the hardship into something quite wonderful. When the water gets hot, it releases it's fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better, and change the situation around you for the better.
When the hours are the darkest and trials are their greatest do you elevate to another level? How do you handle adversity?
ARE YOU A CARROT, AN EGG, OR A COFFEE BEAN?
(Somehow, wake up and smell the coffee takes on a whole new meaning)
Author Unknown
The Best "Out-Of-Office" E-Mail Auto-Replies
Choose one from below as your Out of Office?
The Best "Out-Of-Office" E-Mail Auto-Replies :
1: I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position.
2: I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you.
3: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
4: Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management
5: I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
6: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
7: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again
8: Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system .You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
9: Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
10: Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages.
11: I've run away to join a different circus. AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE :
12: I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of 'Steve'.
The Best "Out-Of-Office" E-Mail Auto-Replies :
1: I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position.
2: I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you.
3: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
4: Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management
5: I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
6: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
7: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again
8: Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system .You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
9: Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
10: Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages.
11: I've run away to join a different circus. AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE :
12: I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of 'Steve'.
America's corporate quotes
A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type managers. Here are some of the submissions.
1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning entry, from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corporation in Redmond, WA)
2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)
3. How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff? (Programming intern, Microsoft IIS development team)
4. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. (Accounting Mgr., Electric Boat Company)
5. This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Mktg. Mgr., UPS)
6. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. (R&D Supervisor, Minnesota Mining & Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
7. My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell Computers)
8. Quote from the boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what 'I' say." (Mktg. executive, Citrix Corporation)
9. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping Executive, FTD Florists)
10. We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees. (AT&T Long Lines Division)
11. We recently received a memo from senior management saying, "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)
12. One day my boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New Business Mgr., Hallmark Cards)
13. As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR Director's office, and was told that the executive VP wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts" (pedophiles?) working in her company. Finally he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired, with the word pedagogical" circled in red. The HR Manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send to my boss, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later a memo to the entire staff came out, directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation letter by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)
14. This gem is the closing paragraph of a nationally-circulated memo from a large communications company: "Lucent Technologies is determined to promote constant attention on current procedures of transacting business focusing emphasis on innovative ways to better, if not supercede, the expectations of quality!"
15. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them. (R&D Supervisor, Minnesota Mining & Manufacturing /3M Corp.)
1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning entry, from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corporation in Redmond, WA)
2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)
3. How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff? (Programming intern, Microsoft IIS development team)
4. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. (Accounting Mgr., Electric Boat Company)
5. This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Mktg. Mgr., UPS)
6. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. (R&D Supervisor, Minnesota Mining & Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
7. My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell Computers)
8. Quote from the boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what 'I' say." (Mktg. executive, Citrix Corporation)
9. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping Executive, FTD Florists)
10. We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees. (AT&T Long Lines Division)
11. We recently received a memo from senior management saying, "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)
12. One day my boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New Business Mgr., Hallmark Cards)
13. As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR Director's office, and was told that the executive VP wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts" (pedophiles?) working in her company. Finally he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired, with the word pedagogical" circled in red. The HR Manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send to my boss, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later a memo to the entire staff came out, directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation letter by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)
14. This gem is the closing paragraph of a nationally-circulated memo from a large communications company: "Lucent Technologies is determined to promote constant attention on current procedures of transacting business focusing emphasis on innovative ways to better, if not supercede, the expectations of quality!"
15. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them. (R&D Supervisor, Minnesota Mining & Manufacturing /3M Corp.)
Thanks to Mum
感激不盡』與『視而不見』~~
陌生人請一碗麵，我都那麼感激，而我媽一個人辛苦地養我也煮了二十多年的麵和飯給我吃，我怎麼沒有感激她呢？
別人給予一點小惠你就「感激不盡」，卻對親人，父母的一輩子恩情「視而不見」！
那晚，佳芬跟媽媽吵架之後什麼都沒帶，就隻身往外跑。
可是，走了一段路，佳芬發現，她身上竟然一毛都沒帶，連打電話銅板也沒有！
她走著走著肚子餓了，看到前面有個麵攤，香噴噴的，好想吃！可是，她沒錢！
過一陣子後，麵攤老闆看到佳芬還站在那邊，久久沒離去，就問：「小姐，請問妳是不是要吃麵？」
「可是．．．可是我忘了帶錢．．」佳芬不好意思地回答。
麵攤老闆熱心地說：「沒關係，我可以請妳吃ㄚ！」「來，我下碗餛飩麵給妳吃！」不久，老闆端來麵和一些小菜。
佳芬吃了幾口，竟然掉下眼淚來。
「小姐，妳怎麼ㄌㄚ？」老闆問。
「沒有ㄌㄚ，我只是很感激！」佳芬擦著淚水，對老闆說道：「你是陌生人，我們又不認識，只不過在路上看到我，就對我這麼好，願意煮麵給我吃！可是..我自己的媽媽，我跟她吵架，她竟然把我趕出來，還叫我不要再回去！．．．」
「你是陌生人都 能對我這麼好，而我自己的媽媽，竟然對我這麼絕情！．．．．」
老闆聽了，委婉地說道：「小姐ㄚ，妳怎麼會這樣想呢！妳想想看我不過煮一碗麵給妳吃，妳就這麼感激我，那妳自己媽媽，煮了十多年的麵和飯給妳吃，妳怎麼不會感激她呢？妳怎麼還要跟她吵架?」
佳芬一聽，整個人楞住了！是ㄚ！
陌生人的一碗麵，我都那麼感激，而我媽一個人辛苦地養我也煮了二十多年的麵和飯給我吃，我怎麼沒有感激她呢？
而且，只為了小小的事，就和媽媽大吵一架。
匆匆吃完麵後，佳芬鼓起勇氣，往家的方向走，她好想真心地對媽說：「媽，對不起，我錯了！」當佳芬走到家巷口時，看到疲憊、著急的母親，已經在四處地張望..........看到佳芬時，媽媽就先開口說：「阿芬ㄚ，趕快回去吧！我飯都已經煮好，妳再不趕快回去吃，菜都涼了！」此時，佳芬的眼淚，又不爭氣地掉了下來！。
有時候，我們會對別人給予小惠「感激不盡」，卻對親人，父母的一輩子恩情「視而不見」！
陌生人請一碗麵，我都那麼感激，而我媽一個人辛苦地養我也煮了二十多年的麵和飯給我吃，我怎麼沒有感激她呢？
別人給予一點小惠你就「感激不盡」，卻對親人，父母的一輩子恩情「視而不見」！
那晚，佳芬跟媽媽吵架之後什麼都沒帶，就隻身往外跑。
可是，走了一段路，佳芬發現，她身上竟然一毛都沒帶，連打電話銅板也沒有！
她走著走著肚子餓了，看到前面有個麵攤，香噴噴的，好想吃！可是，她沒錢！
過一陣子後，麵攤老闆看到佳芬還站在那邊，久久沒離去，就問：「小姐，請問妳是不是要吃麵？」
「可是．．．可是我忘了帶錢．．」佳芬不好意思地回答。
麵攤老闆熱心地說：「沒關係，我可以請妳吃ㄚ！」「來，我下碗餛飩麵給妳吃！」不久，老闆端來麵和一些小菜。
佳芬吃了幾口，竟然掉下眼淚來。
「小姐，妳怎麼ㄌㄚ？」老闆問。
「沒有ㄌㄚ，我只是很感激！」佳芬擦著淚水，對老闆說道：「你是陌生人，我們又不認識，只不過在路上看到我，就對我這麼好，願意煮麵給我吃！可是..我自己的媽媽，我跟她吵架，她竟然把我趕出來，還叫我不要再回去！．．．」
「你是陌生人都 能對我這麼好，而我自己的媽媽，竟然對我這麼絕情！．．．．」
老闆聽了，委婉地說道：「小姐ㄚ，妳怎麼會這樣想呢！妳想想看我不過煮一碗麵給妳吃，妳就這麼感激我，那妳自己媽媽，煮了十多年的麵和飯給妳吃，妳怎麼不會感激她呢？妳怎麼還要跟她吵架?」
佳芬一聽，整個人楞住了！是ㄚ！
陌生人的一碗麵，我都那麼感激，而我媽一個人辛苦地養我也煮了二十多年的麵和飯給我吃，我怎麼沒有感激她呢？
而且，只為了小小的事，就和媽媽大吵一架。
匆匆吃完麵後，佳芬鼓起勇氣，往家的方向走，她好想真心地對媽說：「媽，對不起，我錯了！」當佳芬走到家巷口時，看到疲憊、著急的母親，已經在四處地張望..........看到佳芬時，媽媽就先開口說：「阿芬ㄚ，趕快回去吧！我飯都已經煮好，妳再不趕快回去吃，菜都涼了！」此時，佳芬的眼淚，又不爭氣地掉了下來！。
有時候，我們會對別人給予小惠「感激不盡」，卻對親人，父母的一輩子恩情「視而不見」！
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