Shooting Yourself in the Foot

The proliferation of modern programming languages (all of which seem to have stolen countless features from one another) sometimes makes it difficult to remember what language you're currently using. This guide is offered as a public service to help programmers who find themselves in such dilemmas.

C: You shoot yourself in the foot.

C++: You accidentally create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the foot. Providing emergency medical assistance is impossible since you can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at others and saying, "That's me, over there."

FORTRAN: You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of toes, than you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run out of bullets, you continue anyway because you have no exception-handling ability.

Modula2: After realizing that you can't actually accomplish anything in this language, you shoot yourself in the head.

COBOL: Using a COLT 45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN place ARM.HAND.FINGER. on HANDGUN.TRIGGER and SQUEEZE. THEN return HANDGUN to HOLSTER. CHECK whether shoelace needs to be retied.

LISP: You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with
which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with
which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with
which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with
which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds ....

BASIC: Shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol. On big systems, continue until entire lower body is waterlogged.

FORTH: Foot in yourself shoot.

APL: You shoot yourself in the foot, then spend all day figuring out how to do it fewer characters.

Pascal: The compiler won't let you shoot yourself in the foot.

SNOBOL: If you succeed, shoot yourself in the left foot. If you fail, shoot yourself in the right foot.

Concurrent Euclid: You shoot yourself in somebody else's foot.

HyperTalk: Put the first bullet of the gun into foot left of leg of you. Answer the result.

Motif: You spend days writing a UIL description of your foot, the trajectory, the bullet, and the intricate scrollwork on the ivory handles of the gun. When you finally get around to pulling the trigger, the gun jams.

Unix: % ls foot.c foot.h foot.o toe.c toe.o % rm *.o rm:.o: No such file or directory % ls %

Paradox: Not only can you shoot yourself in the foot, your users can too.

Revelation: You'll be able to shoot yourself in the foot just as soon as you figure out what all these bullets are for.

Visual Basic: You'll shoot yourself in the foot, but you'll have so much fun doing it that you won't care.

Prolog: You tell your program you want to be shot in the foot. The program figures out how to do it, but the syntax doesn't allow it to explain.

370 JCL: You send your foot down to MIS with a 4000-page document explaining how you want it to be shot. Three years later, your foot comes back deep-fried.

Ada: After correctly packaging your foot, you attempt to concurrently load the gun, pull the trigger, scream and shoot yourself in the foot. When you try, however, you discover that your foot is of the wrong type. Generally speaking, Ada will not allow such foolish attempts in safe mode. And if you do shoot your own foot, the ambulance is already on its way.

Assembly: You try to shoot yourself in the foot only to discover you must first reinvent the gun, the bullet, and your foot.

THE NEW DICTIONARY

Websters came out with a new dictionary to reflect the modern times.
Here are a few highlight of what's inside.

ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

GOSSIP:
A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.

INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MYTH:
A female moth.

MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.

YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES:
Something other people have. You have character lines.
and one to tell your boss...

TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

Latest Oxford Dictonary

Divorce
Future tense of marriage

Cigarette
A pints of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a foll on the other hand

Lecture
An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing throught the minds of either

Conference
The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present

Compromise
the art of diving a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece

Tears
The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power....

Dictionary
A place where sucess comes before work

Conference Room
A Place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.

Classic
A book which people praise, but do not read

Smile
A curve that can set a lot of things straight

Office
A place where you can relax after your strenous home life

Yawn
The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth

Etc.
A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do

Committee
Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together

Experience
the name men gibve to their mistakes

Atom Bomb
an invention to end all inventions

Philosopher
A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead

Diplomat
A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip

Opportunist
a person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river

Optimist
A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway " see i am not injured yet"

Miser
A person who lives poor so that he can die rich

Father
a banker provided by nature

Criminal
a guy no different from the rest...except that he got caught

Boss
Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early

Politician
One who shakes your hand before electorns and your confidence after

Doctor
A person who kill your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

Bad side of perceptions

"STAFF DESCRIPTIONS"

Outgoing Personality..........Always going out of the office

Good Communication Skills.......Spends lots of time on phone

Average Employee..............................Not too bright

Exceptionally Well Qualified......Made no major blunders yet

Work is First Priority................Too ugly to get a date

Active Socially.................................Drinks a lot

Family is Active Socially.................Spouse drinks, too

Independent Worker.............Nobody knows what he/she does

Quick Thinking......................Offers plausible excuses

Careful Thinker........................Won't make a decision

Aggressive..........................................Obnoxious

Uses Logic on Difficult Jobs......Gets someone else to do it

Expresses Himself Well.....................Speaks English

Meticulous Attention to Detail..................A nit picker

Has Leadership Qualities.........Is tall or has a loud voice

Exceptionally Good Judgment...........................Lucky

Keen Sense of Humor...............Knows a lot of dirty jokes

Career Minded...................................Back Stabber

Loyal..........................Can't get a job anywhere else

10 Things Women Should Know About Men

1. Don't think you can ever change a man unless he wears diapers.

2. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

3. If he asks you if he's your first tell him, "You may be, you look familiar."

4. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times men wouldn't ask for directions.

5. Men are all the same they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.

6. Go for young men they never mature anyway.

7. Never let your man's mind wander it's too little to be let out alone.

8. If they put a man on the moon they should be able to put them all there.

9. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was clean.

10. Women don't make fools of men most of men are the do-it-yourself type.

Cameron Highlands Field Trip

Ain't they cute...















Some of the mini plants that I bought from Cameron Highlands...