MARRIAGE DEFINITIONS

BACHELOR:

1) A guy who has avoided the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

2) A guy who is footloose and fiancée-free.

3) A man who never makes the same mistake once.

4) A nice guy who has cheated some nice girl out of her alimony.

5) A person who believes in life, liberty, and the happiness of pursuit.

6) The only man who has never told his wife a lie.

BRIDE: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

COMPROMISE: An amiable arrangement between husband and wife whereby they agree to let her have her own way.

DIPLOMAT: A man who can convince his wife she would look fat in a fur coat.

GENTLEMAN:
1) A husband who steadies the stepladder so that his wife will not fall while she paints the ceiling.
2) A man who, when his wife drops her knitting, kicks it over to her so that she can easily pick it up.

HOUSEWORK: What the wife does that nobody notices until she doesn't do it.

HUSBAND:
1) A man who gives up privileges he never realized he had.
2) A person who is the boss of his house and has his wife's permission to say so.


JOINT CHECKING ACCOUNT: A handy little device which permits the wife to beat the husband to the draw.

LOVE: An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.

MISS: A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in the market.

MISTRESS: Something between a mister and a mattress.

MOTHER-IN-LAW: A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

MRS.: A job title involving heavy duties, light earnings, and no recognition.

SPOUSE: Someone who will stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single in the first place.

WIFE: A mate who is forever complaining about not having anything to wear at the very same time that she complains about not having enough room in the closet.